November 2010
2 posts
1 tag
Jokes in Jars-11/9/10-Brian
The Pentagon is unable to explain images of what witnesses took to be a high-altitude rocket launched off the coast of southern California at sunset Monday. “It’s probably an alien or something,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Ralph Hoffman. In an unrelated story, pentagon spokesman, Lt. Ralph Hoffman has gone missing.
Former President George W. Bush revealed today that much of...
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Midterm Spectacular-11/3/10-Brian
In his victory speech yesterday, soon-to-be Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner said his party’s first task will be to repeal President Obama’s health care overhaul. Said proponents of the health care bill, “There was an election yesterday?”
The hopes of supporters of California’s Prop 19 to legalize marijuana went up in smoke…which is kind of what...
October 2010
6 posts
1 tag
Sorry, I can't hear you-10/27/10-Brian
The U.S. military is looking into an incident on Saturday in which it lost communications with 50 long-range nuclear-armed missiles based in the northern United States. Apparently, the military was on the phone with the missiles, and then the missiles said, “Psssh psssh, I’m going through a tunnel pssh—”
Grizzly bear numbers in and around Yellowstone National Park have...
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I Wrote This on my Macintosh-10/21/10-Brian
At a mall near Sacramento, a man reportedly barricaded himself in a video game store, and then started a fire…he now has only 4 lives left.
President Barack Obama and Apple inc. Chief Executive Officer Steve Jobs will meet today while the president is in the San Francisco area for a political event, an administration official said. Sources expect that after the meeting, Obama will...
1 tag
Just Us for Justice-10/20/10-Brian
Support for California’s ballot measure to legalize marijuana has fallen behind in a new poll of likely voters two weeks before the Nov. 2 election. This may be due to the fact that, when known supporters of the measure were polled, they responded, “Whaaaaaat? Marijuana? No way man. I don’t do that. Maintain. Maintain.”
Virginia Thomas, the wife of Supreme Court Justice...
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It's Been a While, Hasn't it-10/19/10-Brian
Starbuck’s new digital network promises customers free e-books, movies and other exclusives, including free access to some paid Web sites such as The Wall Street Journal, as an effort to get more customers. “We’re also thinking about serving good, reasonably price coffee,” said CEO Howard Schultz, “but we’re probably not gonna do anything that...
1 tag
Blame Canada-10/11/10-Brian
Canadian Foreign Minister Lawrence Cannon spent last weekend in New York City, campaigning at the UN for a spot for his country on the Security Council. Said Cannon, “My last name is Cannon, and the Mounties are pretty cool, so I think we’re a shoo-in.”
India has highest prevalence of underweight children under five and the level of hunger there is “alarming” as...
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Paparazzi-10/7/10-Brian
Forbes released its annual list of the 100 most powerful women in the world and Lady Gaga came in at number 7, beating Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi…which makes sense because Pelosi looks awful in a meat dress.
An American and two Japanese scientists won the Nobel Prize in chemistry Wednesday for finding new ways to bond carbon atoms together, methods now widely used to make...
September 2010
13 posts
1 tag
Rahmbo-9/30/10-Brian
The AP is reporting that White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel will resign on Friday so that he can run for mayor of Chicago. “Go fuck yourself, you motherfuckers,” said an obviously sentimental Emanuel.
Scientists have discovered a distant planet that, reportedly, is perfect for sustaining life, which means that if the life-forms are anything like us, the planet will be unlivable...
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Are You Easily Distracted?-9/29/10-Brian
A new study claims that children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are twice as likely to have missing or extra chromosomes than normal children…probably because they misplaced them when they got distracted by something shiny, or a bunny.
A new collection of lifelike Justin Bieber action figures will be available at national retailers including Target and Walmart in...
1 tag
Danger Zone!-9/24/10-Brian
A federal judge ruled Friday that a decorated flight nurse discharged from the Air Force for being gay should be given her job back as soon as possible. The military brass will, of course, comply with the order, but they are upset, as doing so interferes with their “totally heterosexual shirtless volleyball playing” lifestyle.
Shepard Fairey, the artist whose “Hope”...
1 tag
Happy Birthday Zack-9/23/10-Brian
Mark Zuckerberg, the 26-year-old wunderkind behind Facebook, donated $100 Million to Newark public schools. Mayor Cory Booker “liked” the donation when it was posted on his wall…which makes the massive cash infusion as important as say Linkin Park, or a picture of Booker holding a red solo cup and flipping off the camera.
The number of opposite-sex unmarried couples who shared...
1 tag
Atonemints-9/18/10-Brian
The storm that churned through New York City on Thursday evening spawned two destructive tornadoes and a fierce macroburst with wind speeds up to 125 mph that barreled across a large swath of Brooklyn and Queens. So, it was like a night out with the Hilton sisters, but calmer. (Follow up: That joke didn’t make sense…Paris Hilton would never be caught dead in Queens.)
Joe Torre...
1 tag
Jersey Shore-9/16/10-Brian
Avatar director James Cameron has announced that he wants to shoot a sequel to the 2009 blockbuster 7 miles underwater. The only question on Cameron’s mind now is how, in writing the script, he can best rip off The Little Mermaid.
A 49-year-old Hoboken man was arrested Tuesday after he beat his girlfriend with a cat and punched her in the back and back of her head. Many would call the act...
1 tag
No More Hiatus for This Guy-9/15/10-Brian
Smoking bans can lead to major improvements in childhood asthma, and potentially save lives, a new study shows. “So stop calling me a dork and invite me to your pool party,” said an exasperated researcher.
A consortium of Illinois companies called Northstar has been picked to run the state lottery under a new 10-year contract. Or, if they want the lump sum, 55% of the lottery right...
1 tag
Finger Lickin' Good-9/10/10-Brian
A crow found in State College, PA, home of Penn State University, has tested positive for the West Nile virus…this, in addition to the fact that it also blew a .12. Army Command Sgt. Maj. Marvin Hill told Stars and Stripes on Thursday that he was reversing a ban on fast food concessions such as Kentucky Fried Chicken that had been instituted earlier this year. In a related story, the...
1 tag
Shana Tova-9/8/10-Brian
A new Los Angeles school devoted to environmental studies has named itself after Al Gore, but is located on soil contaminated with dangerous toxins. What an ironic twist! It’s like a school being named for George W. Bush, but being located on a pile of books.
Military bases across the U.S. have banned the sale of a new video game that “kills” US troops. I see the...
1 tag
LA's Finest-9/7/10-Brian
Angry over what they believe was the unjust shooting of 37 year old day laborer Manuel Jamines, 100 protesters through rocks and eggs at a Los Angeles police station today. In response, the LAPD rounded up a bunch of rocks and eggs and beat the shit out of them.
The UK’s university graduation rate has fallen sharply in less than a decade, a report released today revealed. It sounds...
1 tag
A Storms A Brewering-9/4/10-Brian
GM announced that Tim Allen will be the new spokesman for Chrysler. It actually makes sense. Much like Tim Allen, Chrysler was really popular in the 90’s, but now has no money or cultural relevance.
Officials say three terminals at the Los Angeles International Airport were briefly shut down after an airport contract worker left an exit from a secure area unattended. I know he messed up,...
1 tag
Me tah? No. You tah-9/3/10-Brian
Utah ranks 50th in the nation when it comes to getting children into health insurance coverage programs, according to an Urban Institute report released Friday. It does, however, rank 1st in polygamy, so I guess it’s a wash.
A two-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked about 40 cigarettes a day has kicked the habit after intensive therapy. Now, if only he could kick his 40 hooker a day habit,...
1 tag
Boom Goes the Dynamite-9/2/10-Brian
An offshore oil platform exploded in the Gulf of Mexico on Thursday morning, but no oil spill has been reported, the United States Coast Guard said…ugh, the sequel is never as good as the first one.
Christina Romer, one of President Obama’s chief economic advisers, stepped down today. Said Romer, “Oh, unemployment, I get it now.”
Former Tory cabinet minister William...
August 2010
18 posts
1 tag
Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots-8/31/10-Brian
A new paper in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research suggests that abstaining from alcohol does tend to increase one’s risk of dying. Proving that when I yell, “I’m gonna live forever,” when I’m drunk, I mean it.
C-section deliveries are at an all-time high in the U.S. and are expected to keep rising, so much so that doctors have taken to calling...
1 tag
Love This Business-8/30/10-Brian
The mother of “The Brady Bunch,” a former NFL quarterback , “The Situation” from “Jersey Shore” and Bristol Palin are among the celebrities who will cha-cha-cha on the 11th season of “Dancing with the Stars”…making it entirely clear that the show name needs to change from “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing.”
The...
Brrr, it's cold in here-8/29/10-Brian
Joe Miller, the surprise leader in Alaska’s unresolved Republican Senate primary, said Sunday that the growing national debt requires a “belt tightening”… no word yet on rather the country also needs a “parka refastening” and a ski “taughtening.”
The number of children in the U.S. seeking emergency medical care for concussions incurred playing...
Back on Campus, Back to Posting-8/27/10-Brian
Former Federal Emergency Management agency director Mike Brown tells NBC’s “Today” show “there was a disconnect” about what the Bush administration was saying about the situation, and how bad things actually were. So, Michael Brown has just blown the whistle on something that everyone already knew, and is 5 years old. Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.
...
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All Glory to the Dear Leader-8/19/10-Brian
MTV announced that late-night host Chelsea Handler will host the 2010 VMA’s. When he heard the news, Conan O’Brien did a bunch of tweeting, and then got paid $40 million.
South Korea said Friday it wanted Pyongyang to apologize for the sinking of one of its warships before it could consider a resumption of North Korea nuclear disarmament talks. North Korea responded, saying it...
1 tag
Ask What You Can do For These Jokes-8/18/10-Brian
A Muslim woman who works as a hostess at a Disneyland restaurant alleged Wednesday the theme park would not allow her to appear in front of customers while wearing her head scarf. “A head scarf? On an employee? That would look ridiculous,” said a man affixing giant mouse ears to himself.
James Auchinclos, who as a boy carried the wedding train of his half-sister Jackie up the...
1 tag
Fly the Friendly Skies-8/17/10-Brian
JetBlue is bringing back a promotion in which for $700, passengers can fly as many times as they like in a month to destinations in the US and the Caribbean. The deal also allows priority exiting through the emergency slide upon arrival at the chosen destination, but only if the passenger yells and curses into the PA system before leaving.
A stunning one in five teens has lost a little bit of...
1 tag
It's Pretty Much My Favorite Animal-8/16/10-Brian
A private zoo keeper in Taiwan is being investigated by authorities after breeding a lion with a tiger and creating two liger cubs. The zoo keeper couldn’t be reached for comment because he was too busy “voting for Pedro.”
It has been reported that Taliban militants in northern Afghanistan stoned a young couple to death for adultery. Well, you know the saying, “Let he who...
1 tag
It's Always Sunny-8/15/10-Brian
Philadelphia Housing Authority chief Carl Greene is facing foreclosure. The announcement came just days after it was learned that Philadelphia Irony chief Debbie Reed is facing rain on her wedding day, as well as a free ride when she already paid.
A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those don’t have sex…or so...
1 tag
GM IPO LMAO-8/13/10-Brian
A crate of Scotch Whisky that belonged to Ernest Shackleton, and that was trapped in Antarctic ice for a century was finally opened Friday. “100 years on the rocks?” said scotch snobs, “forget about it.”
General Motors Co. is likely to file paperwork next week that describes its plan to sell shares to the public, a person familiar with the matter said Friday. The...
1 tag
He Was Also Graded on Penmanship-8/11/10-Brian
The House on Tuesday pushed through an emergency bill that Democrats said would save 300,000 teachers, police and others from election-year layoffs, and President Obama immediately signed it into law. After the signing, a collection of 3rd Grade teachers said to him, “See, we told you you’d have to use cursive when you get older.”
Researchers say that women who experience...
1 tag
Team Sports Match!-8/9/10-Brian
Because of the fasting required during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, Vikings safety Hussain Abdullah will refrain from drinking water, and eating, from sunrise to sunset during training camp. In a show of solidarity, Jews have refrained from playing professional sports.
A new FDA report said that dog food was responsible for a salmonella outbreak that affected 79 people between 2006-2008. It...
1 tag
Post-Lollapalooza Jokes-8/8/10-Brian
A third spacewalk will be required to fix a broken cooling system on the International Space Station…which is ridiculous ‘cause I got a guy that can get his van out there tomorrow and fix it for like 40 bucks.
Iraq’s military is ready and able to take over security operations the commander of U.S. forces in Iraq said Sunday. This is because someone said, “someone has to...
1 tag
Do Over-8/7/10-Brian
New research shows that our personalities are, for the most part, solidly established by the time we reach first-grade. That totally explains then why I’m an astronaut who drives a super fast rocket-powered motorcycle that fights dragons on the side.
Women who try again soon after a miscarriage may be more successful and fare better than those who delay trying to conceive, researchers ...
1 tag
Twilight is a thing, right?-8/6/10-Brian
A mysterious, possibly fungal-borne illness is threatening the bat population in North America, scientists say. In addition to its possible life-threatening properties, the disease also makes the bats sparkle in the sunlight, and star in outrageously stupid movie and book franchises.
Today marked the beginning of the 34th annual “Twins Festival” in Twinsville, Ohio. It also marked the...
1 tag
Juiced Jokes-8/5/10-Brian
Alex Rodriguez finally hit his 600th home run after 51 consecutive plate appearances without one. It sounds like a awful slump, but in all fairness, balls do get smaller when you’re on steroids, so it was probably very difficult to hit.
The Treasury Department announced that next year it will release a newly designed $100 bill. The bill will have added security measures such as the special...
1 tag
Fancy Book Learnin'-8/3/10-Brian
Barnes & Noble (BKS.N), the world’s largest brick and mortar bookseller, said it is looking into selling itself. The price will be $3 billion, or $4 billion and 95 cents in Canada.
Bristol Palin called off her engagement with Levi Johnston…because the 19 year-old, who already has a child with Johnston, and who also happens to be the daughter of a right-wing Alaskan nut-job, has...
1 tag
Ohio Time is Crazy-8/1/10-Brian
New documents released by a congressional subcommittee indicate that Coast Guard officials allowed BP to use excessive amounts of chemical dispersants in the Gulf of Mexico. “This would be a big deal, but when comapred to the 100 days of oil that’s also in the Gulf, this is kind of a drop in the bucket,” said America.
The United Arab Emirates will suspend some BlackBerry...
July 2010
25 posts
1 tag
Sorry for Missing 2 Days. I'm in Ohio, and the Jet...
A giant chunk of hail that plunged into the prairie town of Vivian, S.D., last Friday was confirmed today as the heaviest hailstone ever recorded in the United States, with a weight of 1.94 pounds and a diameter of 8 inches…proving that even the hail in America is obese.
The last grizzly bear believed involved in the fatal mauling of a Michigan man at a campground near Yellowstone...
1 tag
Kid Edition-7/27/10-Brian
Panasonic announced its first 3D camcorder for consumers…which means we can now see your kid’s shitty pageant just the way it was meant to be.
Jessiah Jackson, a 17 month-old boy from Tennessee, fell off a chair on his family’s porch, landed on a metal hook that pierced his skull and became lodged two inches into his brain, and miraculously, Jackson survived. The debate is now...
1 tag
5 Second Rule-7/26/10-Brian
An Oklahoma judicial candidate, John Mantooth, is fending off a political attack from his daughter, who has taken out a local newspaper ad urging voters: “Do not vote for my dad!” In response, Mantooth has taken out and ad that says, “All right, I’ll buy you the damn pony.”
The Service Employees International Union and Unite Here, the nation’s main union for hotel...
1 tag
Scout's Honor-7/26/10-Brian
Wining a city council seat in Novozavidovo, Jean Gregoire Sagbo is the first black man to be elected to public office in Russia…that is, if we’re not counting Vladamir Putin and his performance on Arsenio.
The Boy Scouts of America are preparing to celebrate their 100th anniversary with a national jamboree in Virginia. There will reportedly be a cake with candles, which were all...
1 tag
Live Long and Joke-7/24/10-Brian
A stabbing Saturday night in a packed auditorium at the Comic-Con International pop culture convention temporarily brought a highly anticipated panel to a halt. You’ve got to be careful though, Spock ears are very sharp.
The VA department is relaxing the rules for medical marijuana users in the 14 states where the drug is legal, according to the Associated Press…because if...
1 tag
C'mon, Daddy Needs a New Pair of...
Airplane travel is back to normal in France after a strike by air traffic controllers. Good, because for a second there I thought the French were being finicky and rude.
Progressives gathered at the Netroots Nation conference in Las Vegas in order to map out a strategy for a liberal victory in 2010…fitting that the conference was in Vegas, because at the end of the day, no matter what,...
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What Can 3JokesADay do for you?-7/22/10-Brian
Hundreds of firefighters and civilian volunteers used bare hands, chopsticks and plastic garbage bags Thursday to wage a rudimentary, low-tech battle against a giant oil slick spreading off China’s northeast coast. “What a stupid idea,” said BP executives as they loaded more debris, trash, and golf balls into their “junk shot” cannon.
United Parcel Service, the...
1 tag
DJ Blago-7/20/10-Brian
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich may not mount a defense in his corruption case, despite his repeated vows that he would testify to assert his innocence. When asked why, Blagojevich said that testifying is “fucking golden” and he “won’t do it for fucking nothing.”
Famed rapper Ice-T was arrested in Manhattan early Tuesday for driving with expired auto...
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3 Pick-Up Lines a Day-7/19/10-Brian
For the first time, a vaginal microbicide gel has proved capable of blocking the AIDS virus, researchers say. It doesn’t have any medicinal properties, but rather, keeps men from wanting to have sex with a woman who uses the pick-up line, “It’s ok…I’ve put a microbicide gel in my vagina.”
U.S. Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced Tuesday that he and ...
1 tag
Jokes, Tan, Laundry-7/18/10-Brian
The cast of the Jersey Shore sequel has gone on strike due to discontent with their contracts. So, now instead of lounging around all day drinking and having sex, they’ll lounge around all day drinking and having sex.
San Mateo County officials have dropped a search warrant issued for an editor at Gizmodo that unveiled a prototype of the new iPhone in April. It’s weird that the...
1 tag
Phonetic Humor!-7/17/10-Brian
Iconic South African leader Nelson Mandela celebrated his 92nd birthday today. Sources say the former president a-partied all night.
Police in central Florida say a man who was handcuffed somehow managed to open a police cruiser’s door and escape. He then sawed a woman in half produced a flower from his sleeve, and totally guessed that I had the 7 of spades.
The U.S. Department of Health...