3 Jokes A Day

Tiger Woods, in a statement posted on his Web site Friday evening, said he is taking an “indefinite break” from professional golf. He will also be going on an “indefinite break” from having a wife.

Thousands of Army recruits in training must line up at least once more before heading home for the holidays, this time for mass inoculations by the hundreds against swine flu. Soldiers are excited, but they would really prefer some kind of vaccine that stops bullets.

Bill O’Reilly went after “Law & Order” franchise creator Dick Wolf on Thursday night’s “O’Reilly Factor” telecast, calling the producer a “despicable human being” whose veteran TV drama is “out of control.” In all fairness, O’Reilly isn’t mad that they called him a name, but rather, that the best show he could get to mention him is “Law & Order.”

I still think we need to rehearse the part where I challenge the DA on the plea bargain! You know what, fuck it! Fuck it! We’ll do it live!

President Barack Obama’s Hanukkah wishes in Hebrew have convinced many “birthers” that the US president was born in Israel. Which makes sense because Barack Obama is scrawny and has curly black hair.

The 5 Americans arrested in Pakistan at the beginning of this week were believed to be plotting in a Jihad-or as they put it, “looking to score some virgins”.

The House of Representatives passed a new financial regulatory bill which, according to the Washington Post “…creates a new federal agency dedicated to consumer protection, establishes a council of regulators to police the financial landscape for systemic risks, initiates oversight of the vast derivatives market and gives the government power to wind down large, troubled firms whose collapse could endanger the entire financial system.” The bill will also praise Hugo Chavez and resurrect Karl Marx from his grave.

This face will now appear on t-shirts nation wide.

Jenny Sanford, the estranged wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, announced Friday that she has filed for divorce. Geez, she must really hate hiking.

Tobacco use kills at least 5 million people every year, a figure that could rise if countries don’t take stronger measures to combat smoking, the World Health Organization said Wednesday. However, the WHO also reported that it makes 10 million people a year look really really cool, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll go with me to prom.

Pope Benedict XVI is deeply disturbed by a child sex-abuse scandal in Ireland and will write a letter to Catholics there on the church’s response to a report that found the church shielded more than 100 child-abusing priests from the law, the Vatican said Friday. Phew, thank God, a letter. For a second there, I had no idea how the church was going to recover from such a massive scandal.

These are not the droids you’re looking for…and by droids, I mean priests that molested little boys.

James Cameron’s big-budget alien movie Avatar opened in London today to positive reviews.  Of course, reviewers may have responded on a personal level to the film, because anyone in Britain right now might be an alien.

General Patraeus said the fight in Afghanistan will take longer than the one in Iraq.  The way Obama sees it: we “hope” it will only take a year and a half; our strategy will “change” in July 2011.

Three tigers mauled an animal tamer at a supper club performance in Germany.  Not only that, but the tigers have been linked to as many as ten other animal tamers, some of them prostitutes.

What did you want, a Sigfried and Roy joke?  Your face is obvious.

Cops shot a man in Times Square today. They then hid his body in a giant cup of noodles.

Outspoken Democratic Representative Alan Grayson told Vice President Dick Cheney to “STFU” on MSNBC’s Hardball. Dick Cheney replied by saying, “WTF?”

President Barack Obama received a Nobel Peace Prize yesterday, one week after he announced his intention to send additional troops to Afghanistan.  Thus confirming this week as “opposite week”.

This guy knows what I’m talking about.

A man in a Santa suit attempted to kidnap a 12-year-old girl in Ohio today.  In his defense, all 12-year-old boy Jacob O’Halloran wanted for Christmas was a girlfriend.

Emergency crews rescued a Long Island man who was trapped in a cesspool for 4 hours.  Rescuers arrived immediately, but spent the time saying things like, “you go first,” and “oh, no.  I’m not going first!”  ”On three.”  ”Okay.  One.  Two.  Three.  You didn’t go!”  ”You didn’t go, either!”

A study has shown that warnings on cigarettes related to death might actually provoke people to smoke whereas social warnings are more likely to turn potential smokers away.  Cigarettes will now bear labels that read: “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking is cool because your dad does it.”

“Pregnant women who smoke are more likely to have unicorn babies.”

The average American consumes about 34 gigabytes of data and information each day — an increase of about 350 percent over nearly three decades — according to a report published Wednesday by researchers at the University of California at San Diego. Now, I know this is a fairly technical statistic, so I’ll put it in layman’s terms: Americans like porn.

The government is losing more than $30 billion on lifelines extended to insurance giant American International Group Inc., according to Treasury data released Wednesday in an audit by the Government Accountability Office. It also is losing more than $30 billion on rescues of struggling automakers Chrysler and General Motors. Damn it! I knew we should have had their parents cosign that loan.

AOL is becoming an independent Internet company again. With the company’s spinoff from Time Warner Inc. complete, AOL’s stock is set to officially begin trading Thursday. Even though it’s set to trade Thursday, it probably won’t start until Monday because the company’s CEO is on the phone and they only have one line.

AOL users aren’t going to get this joke because the picture will take 3 hours to load.

Senate Democrats tentatively agreed Tuesday night to drop a full-blown government-run insurance option from sweeping health care legislation,  a concession to party moderates whose votes are critical to passage of President Barack Obama’s top domestic priority. Another concession to moderates: Senate Democrats will no longer be known as “Democrats”, but as “Republicans.”

he Obama administration on Tuesday proposed spending more than $3 billion to settle claims dating back more than a century that American Indian tribes were swindled out of royalties for oil, gas, grazing and other leases. They’re going to put it all on Red 32.

Gatorade confirmed Tuesday it is discontinuing its Tiger Woods drink but says it made the decision before the golfer’s car accident led to a media firestorm surrounding his personal life. That’s too bad because, according to Gatorade’s demographic research, there’s a lot of room for growth in the “women who are fucking Tiger Woods” sector.

The “G” stands for “God damn it, I got caught.”

A list of 20 veteran New York defense attorneys has been assembled to narrow down the choice of lawyer for accused 9/11 terrorist Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.  Why don’t they get one of those court-appointed lawyers from Houston who fall asleep during murder trials?  This case seems like a natural next step for Johnnie Cochran.

An HIV-positive man injected his own blood into his wife while she was sleeping so that she wouldn’t leave him.  Too little, too late, Tiger.

According to federal data, over 20% of America’s water treatment facilities violated the Safe Drinking Water Act in the last five years.  The revelation has led to the discovery that up to 9% of people currently alive are actually dead.

I shouldn’t’a drank that.

Today, the US government officially declared that greenhouse gasses are harmful to human health. This move may allow the EPA to order cuts in emissions without the approval of congress. The White House will also let the EPA play with fire, sharpen knives, and eat toothpaste while Congress is out to dinner with the O’Hannigans.

The US manufacturer of the Go Go Hamster, a popular British toy, insists that its product is safe after it has come under scrutiny for containing potentially cancer-causing chemicals. The toy hamster is battery operated and crawls on the floor. Much like a cancer patient.

Park Rangers and Fire experts have begun many series of controlled burnings in Yosemite National Park. The fires are meant to limit large infernos from occurring by burning potential fuel on the forest floor. As a result, Smokey the bear will now join the list of unemployed Americans.

Smokey: Don’t worry deers, I wont kill you.