3 Jokes A Day

The Pentagon is unable to explain images of what witnesses took to be a high-altitude rocket launched off the coast of southern California at sunset Monday. “It’s probably an alien or something,” said Pentagon spokesman Lt. Ralph Hoffman. In an unrelated story, pentagon spokesman, Lt. Ralph Hoffman has gone missing.

Former President George W. Bush revealed today that much of his pro-life stance was formed at an early age when his mother showed him her miscarried fetus that she kept in a jar. This also explains why Bush is against the aborting of pickles, mayonnaise, and jam.

Early reports from Myanmar say that the pro-junta party is expected to win 80-90% of votes in the country’s recent election. Aung San Suu Kyi, the dissident leader who’s been under house arrest for the past 14 years said, “Can someone get me some milk or bread…I’ve been under house arrest for the past 14 years.”

Is Tab still available? I love that stuff.

In his victory speech yesterday, soon-to-be Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner said his party’s first task will be to repeal President Obama’s health care overhaul. Said proponents of the health care bill, “There was an election yesterday?”

The hopes of supporters of California’s Prop 19 to legalize marijuana went up in smoke…which is kind of what they wanted all along.

Despite the fact that the votes are still being tallied, most analysts believe that Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski will retain her seat, becoming the second candidate ever to successfully wage a write-in campaign. The first? Former Arkansas Sen. Mike Rotch.

Mr. Rotch? Mr. Rotch votes aye.

The U.S. military is looking into an incident on Saturday in which it lost communications with 50 long-range nuclear-armed missiles based in the northern United States. Apparently, the military was on the phone with the missiles, and then the missiles said,
“Psssh psssh, I’m going through a tunnel pssh—”

Grizzly bear numbers in and around Yellowstone National Park have hit their highest level in decades report park rangers. In an unrelated story, the level of pic-a-nic baskets have hit an all-time low.

NASA is planning an audacious mission to send a manned spacecraft on a one-way trip to permanently settle on other planets.The ambitious idea is known as the Hundred Years Starship and would send astronauts to colonise planets like Mars, knowing they could never come home. “Oh shit, I forgot my iPod. We have to go back. Whaaaaaa-?” said an astronaut in the future.

I couldn’t have put it better myself

At a mall near Sacramento, a man reportedly barricaded himself in a video game store, and then started a fire…he now has only 4 lives left.

President Barack Obama and Apple inc. Chief Executive Officer Steve Jobs will meet today while the president is in the San Francisco area for a political event, an administration official said. Sources expect that after the meeting, Obama will announce a new economic package that costs more, does less, but sure is pretty to look at.

The stars of Fox’s hits how Glee have caused something of a controversy for appearing in skimpy panties in the newest issue of GQ. In other news, I like Glee now.

Don’t stop belivin’…that I’m going to buy this magazine

Support for California’s ballot measure to legalize marijuana has fallen behind in a new poll of likely voters two weeks before the Nov. 2 election. This may be due to the fact that, when known supporters of the measure were polled, they responded, “Whaaaaaat? Marijuana? No way man. I don’t do that. Maintain. Maintain.”

Virginia Thomas, the wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, is working to repeal what she believes is President Obama’s “unconstitutional law” regulating health insurance, an issue likely to be decided by the high court. I’ve got to admit, Justice Thomas has carefully guarded his political leanings, and always seemed like quite the moderate, but ugh…now we definitely know how he’s gonna vote.

According to Yoko Ono, John Lennon would have “been totally activist” were he around today…”activist” of course being hippie slang for “zombie.”

Imagine all the people…living with no brains

Starbuck’s new digital network promises customers free e-books, movies and other exclusives, including free access to some paid Web sites such as The Wall Street Journal, as an effort to get more customers. “We’re also thinking about serving good, reasonably price coffee,” said CEO Howard Schultz, “but we’re probably not gonna do anything that drastic.”

Russian President Dimitri Medvedev announced that Russia will accept the invitation to attend next months NATO summit in Lisbon. He’s still a little peeved that it’s BYOB, but he’ll get over it.

Tom Bosley, the actor best known for playing Howard Cunningham on Happy Days, passed away earlier today. Hospital officials report that Henry Winkler tried to revive him by hitting him with his elbow, but to no avail.

“Medical school? Heyyyy”

Canadian Foreign Minister Lawrence Cannon spent last weekend in New York City, campaigning at the UN for a spot for his country on the Security Council. Said Cannon, “My last name is Cannon, and the Mounties are pretty cool, so I think we’re a shoo-in.”

India has highest prevalence of underweight children under five and the level of hunger there is “alarming” as the country ranks 67th, out of 84 countries, on the Global Hunger Index, a new study has found. “We should do something,” said America, before getting winded and desperately reaching for a Big Mac.

A new book about the life of Nelson Mandela will be released today comprising of personal notes and recordings of the former South African president. “This will be an intense look into the soul of a great man” said a spokesman for the University of South Africa Press, “also, in this one, he fights dragons.”

Morgan Freeman…lookin’ sharp.

Forbes released its annual list of the 100 most powerful women in the world and Lady Gaga came in at number 7, beating Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi…which makes sense because Pelosi looks awful in a meat dress.

An American and two Japanese scientists won the Nobel Prize in chemistry Wednesday for finding new ways to bond carbon atoms together, methods now widely used to make medicines and in agriculture and electronics. The method involves having the carbon atoms go out for a few beers, talk some football, and then letting the conversation wander to the fact that they both hate their wives.  

A North Carolina state lawmaker referred to gays as fruitloops” and “queers” in an email, leading to calls that he apologize. I think it would be best at this moment to acknowledge that this joke was sponsored by “Queers,” the newest, gayest cereal from General Mills.

A bowl of Queers…part of any balanced breakfast.

The AP is reporting that White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel will resign on Friday so that he can run for mayor of Chicago. “Go fuck yourself, you motherfuckers,” said an obviously sentimental Emanuel.

Scientists have discovered a distant planet that, reportedly, is perfect for sustaining life, which means that if the life-forms are anything like us, the planet will be unlivable in like 100 years.

Tour de France winner Alberto Contador blamed “bad meat” for his positive test for performance enhancing drugs. The problem with the meat? It was full of performance enhancing drugs.

How come I didn’t win the race…bad pork.

A new study claims that children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) are twice as likely to have missing or extra chromosomes than normal children…probably because they misplaced them when they got distracted by something shiny, or a bunny.

A new collection of lifelike Justin Bieber action figures will be available at national retailers including Target and Walmart in early December. The dolls will come with accessories, the ability to sing multiple Beiber hits, and a built in chip that makes sure they die of a cocaine overdose in about two years when the pressure of child stardom has become too much.

Bethany Storro, the woman who confessed to making up a story about being attacked by a man who threw acid in her face, pleaded not guilty in a theft trial concerning donations given to pay for her medical bills. I don’t know how she’ll get out of this one…she was caught red-faced.

I don’t know how she’ll get out of this one…everyone thinks she’s corrosive to the community

…even if her crime wasn’t that base

…but I hear her guilt is eating away at her